the structure of the family
this might seem like an oxymoron-structured? family? can’t it just be fluid, go with the flow? i once had a teacher who taught me that rules set us free. what does that mean in the family structure? it means that with knowledge we can be free. with knowing what is up and what is down and even which way is right or left helps us to know where we are and what we can do and WHO we are. it’s a fallacy-the idea that you can just be who you want to be and that you should let your kids and family just flow. it’s not helpful. what’s helpful is keeping each other in check-keeping your kids in check-yourself in check.
what does this mean?
non-negotiables
rules
consequences
just like there are in life
if you speed and (get caught) you get a ticket
you pay taxes, you don’t steal and you act appropriately in public
the family system has the potential to prepare the child for life in a meaningful way, with love and comfort too
as a teacher i used to tell my students that if i let them go to the next grade thinking a certain way then i wouldn’t have done my job as their teacher. as parents, as caregivers, if we let our children move on in life thinking that it’s ok to do things that are in fact not ok, then we have not done our job properly.
it’s complex to teach and guide, it’s not easy because kids will push our buttons and bother us and will present all sorts of odd situations where it would be easier to just let it be fluid and not lead them correctly because it’s just too hard. but just because we want to teach them what’s right do we have to take the “hard” road every time-we just have to be purposeful, intentional and smart. Work smarter not harder.
we can choose our battles, thereby teaching them to do the same. sometimes it’s ok to just watch tv for a couple of hours, it doesn’t have to be a bad thing all the time just because we will consider as a bad thing some of the time. and then there are other things-things that will keep their magnitude because we allowed other things to be negotiable. shoplifting is never ever ok. hitting your parent-never ever ok. no one can tell you exactly which things should be black or white in your home-that is for the parents to choose and enforce. it has to make sense and it has to fit within their structure of life, their theme of living or it won’t work. in one house, playing ball inside is a very big deal and a huge no-no but watching tv for hours is ok. and in another house it’s the opposite. and as long as children are safe it’s ok. it just needs to function structurally so that the children can learn how to live in a structured way. they can learn how to be flexible because of the structure they had growing up. if there’s only negotiables then they won’t learn the difference between a negotiable and a non-negotiable.
it’s our job to create that structure-it will set them free.
otherwise they’ll be trapped in a maze of ambiguity
